The Before and After

I love before and after anything ... television shows that clean up people's cluttered houses, pictures before and after makeovers, a city street 1890 vs. present. I meant to just post this picture that Alan made for me. (Right - June 2007. Left - March 2008) He says for me to tell you that the bad PhotoShop job is intentional.

The picture on the right (me, 25 lbs heavier) was taken at my cousin's home in Denver. It was the viewing of these pictures that made me realize that I needed to make some changes.

I'm pretty hard on myself. I know I'm not the only one. And I suppose it's rather telling that even though I know I've lost multiple dress sizes, I still think of myself as the chubby girl. I caught myself saying to some co-workers only last week, that "if only I were thin I'd..." And since I'm having such a struggle looking in the mirror and noticing any changes, Alan made this photo for me. It's kind of shocking. But the sad thing is, when I first looked at it, I didn't say, "Damn, I am hot!" I said, "Damn, look how FAT I was."

Right before I posted this, I got a call for a survey about California Health. Usually I ignore these calls, but for some reason, I decided to answer the 10 - 15 minutes of questions. They started out with the usual: how much does your household make, your age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, then moved into the health. How much do you drink, are you depressed, do you smoke, do you exercise, when is the last time you had a physical exam. Okay, whatever. All pretty healthy answers. I was feeling almost guilty for being so well balanced and healthy. As a person selected at random, was I *really* representative of 500 Californians? Ah, but then they got into the childhood questions. And, before you think they are nosy SOB's, note that you can skip any question if you like. And, after they conclude the interview, they offer to give you any phone numbers that you like for help with any issues.

Before the age of 18, did you live in a household where someone was depressed, and threatened to take their life? Yes. Did you live in a household where someone was physically abusive? Yes. Did someone more than 5 years older than you sexually assault you, or force you to have sex? Yes and Yes. Did you ever go without meals because there was no money to buy food? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Then they ask a slew of questions about your mental health, to which I had healthy answers. No, I don't think about taking my life. No, I don't have trouble doing day to day tasks. I sleep normal hours. I can go to work with no troubles. People don't tell me that I'm being hyper, or that I'm moving or talking so slow that they call me out on it. I have an amazing support system, and I can get help when and if I need it.

I don't like to think about where I've come from, but I guess that I do need to remind myself from time to time how far I've come. The first thing that should come to mind is that not, "Look how FAT I was!" But how I've survived and endured, and will continue to do so!